Flawless Imperfection...

Pessimistic?
I've come to the conclusion that the one thing I'm good at is perfecting "bad luck". I set the standard for the term. My life has been one disaster after another. Yet, despite that, I still believe that I am the one person that can change that. I strive to be a better mom, a better friend, a better gf, a better person. I just don't feel like I accomplish the goals/standards I set for myself. Am I setting my own standard for myself to high? Am I trying to reach goals that are unattainable? I'm not sure.

Self Betrayal?
I'm absolutely more harsh on me than anyone else. In others I look for the good. I try to determine what they need in their lives and want to help them achieve that. I think I spend so much time concentrating on peoples potential that I start to disregard their flaws, thus giving them a "free pass" to act however they want and essentially walk all over me. I find this happening in my friendships, my love life, my daily relations with almost everyone.

I dont want to worry anyone else with my burdens so I keep my problems to myself. I dont want anyone to think I'm not capable or that I cant handle life. I think on some level I want people to imagine that I have a great wonderful life and am unconditionally happy in my own shoes. I can't open up and just say how I feel. So do they even know who I am?

People Pleaser?
Am I a "people pleaser"? Possibly. If I like someone, I try my best to be nice to them and to help them... this all relates to how I want to help them achieve, because I want them to be happy. Maybe I'm too busy trying to make others happy that I can't see how to make myself happy. What do I even need to be happy? Love? Better job? Financial freedom? Good friendships? How can I possibly expect to find things that make me happy if I have no clue what I even need? I guess it's true that you never know until it hits you.

Bipolar? ADD? Mentally insecure in my own mind?
Isn't everyone in their own rite? I like to think so at least. I wasn't even formally diagnosed until a year or two ago. Life is a roller coaster still, but before medication it was a massive supernova explosion of emotions that was completely unpredictable. I was sure it would eventually turn into a black hole as it ate away at me.

I wasn't always sad. I wasn't always happy. I wasn't always agitated and irritable... but when I was, oh boy was I. I took emotions to a new height. I ruined one of the best relationships of my life, because I didn't even understand that there was something wrong with me. I didn't know that everyone doesn't have such strong earth shattering emotions that changed like the wind. I always thought people were just being asses if they said I was acting crazy. Now, I suppose they were right.

But does a mental diagnosis handicap you more than it helps you?
You would think once you found the right med (trust me I went through tons of the wrong ones and it wasn't pretty), that you would be fine and dandy and skip to work everyday like all the other cookie cutter employees. But you don't. All those people who called you crazy, now feel like they have to tip toe around the fact that you probably are. And even worse, the people who are close enough to you, the ones that you know well enough to be honest with, who will tell you what they think no matter what (BFFs and BFs), blame everything that goes wrong in your relationships on you being "crazy"... "I know Heather, but you have to realize you're blowing this out of proportion." "Heather you're just acting crazy." or best every "OMG did you forget to take your meds or something." WTF just because I'm medicated doesn't mean I'm the crazy girl and that I'm not allowed to have any sort of emotional reaction, but that's exactly how it ends up... If I'm sad, if I'm mad... all gets blamed on me being a nutcase and how I need to 'get my script adjusted'. You can't even imagine how insulting that is.

What is a diagnosis anyways but someone else pointing a finger at you and saying that you dont meet their perception of normality!

Over Analytical?
But am I just being my typical over analytical self? Am I looking too much into every situation that my judgement is clouded by my own clusterfuck of thoughts? I can't tell. What do I compare my thoughts to? Who sets the standard of normal? Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, is sanity?

In conversations, I'm one of two ways (depending on my mood I suppose)... I either sit there listening to the conversation, analysis my own thoughts and trying to determine if what I want to say is appropriate, how it will affect the people around me, what they'll think, their reaction will be and basically over analysing something that shouldn't even be analysed to start with... I'm quiet and look like I'm thinking too hard or uncomfortable and then people think I'm rude or don't like them because I'm not speaking or being "friendly" enough... I don't put myself out there.

Or I'm the complete opposite and know NO boundaries. This was mostly the case before I started taking my medicine. It usually only kicks in now when I'm nervous, which can be the worst time possible (ie; dates). I don't like uncomfortable silences and feel the need to keep the other person entertained at all cost. But I lose that somewhere along the line and start to only entertain myself... and I talk about random things. Things that probably make me sound like a nutcase... or do they make me sound quirky? I used to think quirky, but now I think "WTF Heather, did you just say that." But when I'm in this state of mind, I'm ok with making a fool out of myself and don't care what anyone else thinks about me. I'm sure in the back of my head I have those worries, but I definitely suppress them. If you think you've had a random conversation in your life... come on a date with me.

The bottom line?
What is the bottom line? Maybe that's the ADD. But I can't remember how this ramble started. I'm pretty sure I just needed to rant... I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends about the way I feel or the things that bother me. I don't feel understood by anyone and cant really imagine that I could be if I cant understand myself. Does any of this even make sense? To me maybe. To an outsider? Probably not.